55517

Joke of the Day

"Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange."

"What do you call an object used as seating that can fly? A rocket lawn-chair."

"The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth."

"Why don't Europeans have foot fetishes? they use the metric system"

"[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*"

"You wouldn't believe how many laws I'm obeying right now"

"Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach"

"What do you call a naked baby horse? A Naked Neigh-kid"

"It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced."

"I'm very good at hurdles In fact I hold the personal record"