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Joke of the Day

"Just bought lean chicken breasts instead of hot wings for supper because I'm a stupid fucking mature adult."

"Why aren't there any jokes about the Jonestown massacre? The punch line takes too long."

"Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can't take it anymore, you're too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?"

"Did you hear about the epileptic who won the dance contest? He only got up to get a drink."

"When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents."

"I just got a new universal remote Wow! This changes everything..."

"*rolls out of bed* *rolls into other strategically placed bed* ""Nice."""

"when you're a kid you're like ""how do actors cry so easily?"" and when you grow up you're like ""how is anyone ever not crying?"""

"You can call me Vladimir. Because I'm going to be Putin it in your butt <3"

"Coldplay is doing charity work in an African hospital. They met a few jaundice patients. Chris Martin said 'It was great. They were all yellow'"