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Joke of the Day

"Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can't take it anymore, you're too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?"

"What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed ? Out of the way !"

"If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick."

"I meant to call out a plumber to fix my blocked toilet, but forgot. I'm in deep shit now."

"You have a life"

"My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera."

"What do you call someone that likes to show off her ovaries? An eggshibitionist"

"Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30? Credit to Bo Burnham."

"Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing."

"The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding. *Followed*"