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Joke of the Day

"Left the waitress a tip of $4.04. Now I'm concerned she won't be able to find it."

"Charlie Sheen... ... He's on a drug called Zidovudine Too soon?"

"Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole) and you could lose your money."

"How do you quadruple the capacity of a gay bar? Turn all the stools upside down. (Not trying to offend anyone, just a raunchy joke I heard from my GFs dad)"

"My neighbor was a vampire When I stabbed her in the heart with a wooden stake, she died."

"You give a few pot heads a bunch of weed and nothing to smoke out of and suddenly they all become engineers. It's amazing."

"What is the opposite of paranoia? Thinking you are following someone."

"What did the gymnast and the grad student have in common? The both had an outstanding balance."

"Facebook: ""Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!"" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]"

"How do you sum up a cashew? In a nutshell!"