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Joke of the Day

"My dog keeps trying to get my attention but until he plays that Sarah McLachlan song I'm not gonna take him seriously."

"He'd come off way less pretentious if he went by Daniel ""Dave"" Lewis."

"What's common between Canadians and Belgians? They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too."

"What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel? **Am I being retained?** **Am I being retained?**"

"If you're not wearing the shirt you slept in, you're doing Sunday wrong."

"My dad hasn't uncrossed his arms since I was born."

"Lightbulb replacement..... How many black women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them-----no one wants to be the charcoal-colored one."

"Thanks for the glitter covered greeting card. I'll never forget this gesture because EVERY SURFACE IN MY HOUSE IS COVERED IN GLITTER NOW"

"Don't you hate people that answer their own questions? I do."

"Love....because sometimes life wants a tag team partner when it fcuks you."