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Joke of the Day

"You walk into my bedroom... I'm laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest. You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos."

"I hate when people say, ""You barely touched your food"" like what do you want me to do stroke it?"

"People drive too slow in the fog... I'm just over here not hitting anything. Not even my brakes."

"I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes."

"If I'd know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I'd have spread them out a little more."

"THE ELI WUT IS ELIS MIDDLE NAME? THE SO IT IS ELI THE BASEKE"

"What do cannibal parents tell their kids when they become picky eaters? Eat the vegetables"

"Been watching television without eating. I feel like I'm working."

"Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck."

"[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]"