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Joke of the Day

"Programmers talking... \- So I heard you've got a new girlfriend? \- Yeah, she's amazing, 35-24-35! \- Deep purple?"

"Portland is on fire and the nearest Trump voter is 300 miles away. Democrats have a terrible ground game."

"[At make-up counter] But does this lipstick come off of a taint?"

"There are two major differences between beer and women. When you take the top off a beer, it can't change its' mind, and it can easily be bought and replaced."

"Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny."

"The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, ""Remember, if you can't beat 'em invade 'em."""

"*walks up to dealer* I would like 3 weeds please ""Are you a cop?"" No I love crime and tomfoolery ""..."" Could I also get a bushel of cocaine?"

"What do you get when you mix yoga and scouting? Concentration camps."

"A fly walks out of a bar. He was sitting in someone's stool."

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."