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Joke of the Day

"So I said 'I love you' but he didn't say it back. We haven't spoken since. Maybe he just needs space. Vet: Your cat's fine. You can go now."

"What kind of fish will help you hear better ? A herring aid !"

"Where do you drown hipsters? In the mainstream"

"You can eat a clock But it is very time consuming"

"What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them."

"Did you hear that Jared from Subway might have been involved with child pornography? Sounds like he was just trying to beat fresh."

"Aristotle: We are what we repeatedly do. Plato: Well then I guess I'm YOUR MOM! -high fives Socrates-"

"What do you call an economist at an amusement park who is just sitting around? A lazy fair goer!"

"If I'm facing away from you during sex, assume I'm quietly enjoying a snack."

"Muffins are just cupcakes that will never get laid."