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Joke of the Day

"Him: Damn, girl, are you a math textbook? Her: No, why? Him: 'Cause you have a lot of fuckin' problems."

"Actual voice mail: ""Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."""

"I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far. He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet."

"What's 7-1? A national disappointment."

"[OC] So I went downstairs to check the time on a clock... But it was saying 4:04: Time Not Found!"

"An indian and an asian walked into a bar They had a great time because not everyone is racist like you."

"My girlfriend and I have rough sex. It's not violent, it's just poorly defined."

"Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball."

"a boy died in a microwave while playing hide and seek...silly kids these days pretending to be hot pockets"

"What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful"