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Joke of the Day

"Hi I am an NSA employee Tell me anything."

"My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace."

"I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, ""my kids won't be watching TV and they most certainly won't be eating chicken nuggets!"""

"A gay man killed his cheating boyfriend The Police call it ""homocide"""

"What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a scottish sheep herder? One says, ""hey, you! Get off my cloud!"", and the other one says, ""hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"""

"Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick? Because the Doctor can never see him."

"Is your refrigerator running? Because if your fridge is moving on its own volition you have bigger fucking problems than the goddamn election"

"ENEMY: can you smell that? That's fear. ME: the baked goods? ENEMY: no. focus on your fear. ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery"

"Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee? Because they hate the French Press. (This joke used to be more topical)"

"Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job? For Catcalling"