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Joke of the Day

"Hey other men: I'm tweeting this from your mom's phone. The implication being that she's sexually promiscuous: a big insult in our culture."

"My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'."

"There's a reason you don't see many Jedi in relationships. They always try to force it."

"There was a prison break and I locked eyes with a midget as he climbed up the fence. As he jumped over he sneered at me and I thought, ""Well, that's a little condescending."""

"ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what NURSE: Sir it's a blood draw please stop saying that"

"Why do women have legs for? To not leave a snail trail behind them."

"JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine] ME: woa!! thanks jesus JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW"

"Nothing makes me happier to be single than meeting a couple who share an email address."

"People who like ""The Bachelor"" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way."

"Hard to believe the American flag is truly patriotic when the American flag itself doesn't wear an American flag pin."