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Joke of the Day

"[spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR"

"It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in."

"I have a chest cold, or, as they used to call it in the 17th Century, four days to live."

"What do you call a marathon runner that refuses to stop? A joggernaut."

"COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real"

"Probably not the first time you heard this. But, I have two very good qualities. One is memory, and I forgot the other one."

"They say she has a sharp tongue. Yes she can slice bread with it."

"I once asked a girl out on a date to perform in my favorite hobby. She demanded there be no strings attached We had a shit day flying kites"

"It's no surprise that Trump is here, just look at all the movies where there is a black President and something comes to destroy the earth. All credits go to Larry Wilmore. ;)"

"""it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?"" yes i am. ... ""but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"""