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Joke of the Day

"If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?"

"Today I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard... And came in cider. Source: Bo Burnham. So goddamn funny."

"What's the best part about dating a Patriots fan? They don't care if you cheat."

"*pretends to throw ball* *dog runs to chase it* Ha, stupid dog. *dog keeps running, disappears over horizon* Um *dog tackles me from behind*"

"I was gonna make a joke about black people... , but it's too dark."

"TIFU by having sex on an airplane .."

"Has anyone said 'Julia Roberts makes me feel like I don't have enough teeth'? Because I'd like to say that."

"Jokes about fat people aren't funny. They just don't work out."

"First Jon Stewart retires, then Brian Williams gets suspended. What's happening to fake news?"

"[Entire house is full of trees] Girlfriend: What did you do?! Me: You told me to spruce things up. GF: Everything's stuck to everything!!!"