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Joke of the Day

"What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store."

"Here's a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!"

"[Starbucks] Excuse me, this isn't what I ordered. ""You ordered a Grande."" Yes, but this is Ariana Grande. ""Sir, please just take her."""

"How do you kill a walrus? Tell him there's something on its chest"

"i like my women like i like my coffee silent"

"[Game of Thrones] How do you ask a Northerner if they are of noble descent? Arya Stark?"

"If you love Christmas so much... *Why don't you merry it?*"

"Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's ""Wright"" all the time."

"So if you never eat meat or dairy you must never throw up, because what happens in Vegans--ow stop hitting me."

"Two muffins are baking in an oven ... And one muffin turns to the other one and says, ""Wow, it's pretty darn hot in here."" The other muffin says, ""Holy shit! A talking muffin!"""