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Joke of the Day

"Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie :) Me: No it's ok, I have my own account [60 years later on deathbed] Me: Wait a minute"

"Hey girl, did you get your tickets *lips slowly part to reveal a mouthful of tiny little teeth with massive gums* to the GUM show?"

"The cat is heat and keeps presenting herself to the dog I'm just sitting here with my finger hovering above the record button."

"Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae School"

"All these years and the ""insert thumb and lift"" tab on macaroni and cheese boxes is still lying to us."

"I always choose a political party with good snacks. Wait, that's how I choose a house party. And it's a dumb way to choose a house party."

"Don't trust atoms They make up everything."

"Someone should tell Pam at work that no one wants to hear how cool her boyfriend is unless she's dating a helicopter."

"What's the main ingredient in mana potions? Caster sugar."

"Daddy, what do you think about abortion? Dad: ask your sister. But I don't have a.."