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Joke of the Day

"A-What's up? B(londe)-The ceiling..."

"Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist? Dad: No dear they're people wearing lots of makeup. Daughter: Oh like mommy? Dad: Close enough."

"""tell... my wife... i loved her..."" carl dies. NOO! U LOVED HER WHAT?! *shakes body* U LOVED HER... TITYS? HER CAT? *slaps face* PLS WAKE UP"

"They should make supermarket camouflage. So people you know won't see you and want to talk to you."

"A pirate with two peg legs walks into a bar... The bartender looks up from his newspaper and says ""you're cut off."""

"I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another."

"Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*"

"I told my paralyzed girlfriend I was leaving her... She couldn't stand to see me go..."

"My kids don't drive me to drink. Can't wait until they get their license and they can though."

"Good one computer geniuses, you made everything ""user friendly"" and ""intuitive"" and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything."