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Joke of the Day

"At a job interview: ""What are your strengths?"" ""I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."" ""Give me an example"" ""When do I start?"""

"I wouldn't mind getting arrested today because I'm having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous."

"I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include ""loose weight"". Can I add spelling to your list too?"

"[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]"

"I'm pretty sure my parents are getting me a sweater for Christmas, but I really would have preferred a moaner or screamer."

"I think i'm bisexual... Every time I want sex I have to buy it."

"If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter."

"70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance."

"A guy goes into a military surplus store... ..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, ""I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!"""

"Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of its bark."