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Joke of the Day

"I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."

"I wish I was in better shape but I also wish I could fast-forward this pizza tracker."

"Life; It's all about finding the next good time."

"When you catch your dog eating a dictionary what should you do? Take the words right out of his mouth."

"When a bull wants to listen to a cassette what does he put on his head? Steer phones!"

"15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Don't die Kevin Bacon!!"

"Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan."

"I had sex in an orchard today. I came in cider."

"Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else"

"France and Italy go to war. Who wins? Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides"