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Joke of the Day

"Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan."

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"About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach."
"What do you call a Warriors fan that complains about the refs? A retarded bandwagoner"
"Awful Knock Knock Joke Knock Knock Who's there? Didgerid Didgerid who? bzanweaaaangggglllllddeeeeeoooooowwwwwaaaaannnn.... In my opinion, the lamer the knock knock joke, the better."
"Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?"
"What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation? Paradice..."
"How many paedophiles does it take to change a lightbulb? No more than 12."
"A guy is fingering his girlfriend... ...after a while, she starts to shift uncomfortably and says ""would you mind taking your ring off, please?"" The guy responds: ""what ring? That's my wristwatch!"""
"If they made a movie of my life it would be a lot of me looking for something to wipe my hands on."
"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs through your jeans."
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