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Joke of the Day

"Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens"

"I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they've sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat."

"Being in love is amazing, the way it takes your breath away, closes your air passages and renders you unconscio--no, wait, that's asthma."

"I've made 20,000 tweets. And I've never tried to sell you anything except the idea that tampon jokes are funny."

"Don't call me ""Dad"", please call me by my professional title, ""Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist""."

"Do you like pudding? Bill Cosby like pudding his dick where it didn't belong."

"What's the hardest thing about having a colostomy bag? Finding shoes to go with it."

"If there are degrees of asshole, I'm the pressing the crosswalk button even after watching you do it because maybe you did it wrong kind."

"Visiting dad on his death bed... [Visiting father on death bed] ""Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "" *Dad struggling to talk* ""Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."""

"Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches."