23845

Joke of the Day

"Don't call me ""Dad"", please call me by my professional title, ""Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist""."

"I saw my ex getting jumped by six guys at a party last night, so I helped out She didn't stand a chance against seven of us!"

"Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me.."

"Did you hear about the straight white male viscount who ruled with an iron fist over one field? He was an oppressive shitlord."

"What do these jokes and a ghost have in common? Boo man! Boo!"

"[to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore ""ssswhy not?"" are we getting rain tomorrow? ""sssno"" do you see how that's confusing?"

"I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like ""you can totally take him."""

"What workplace benefit do ebola quarantine nurses receive? Hazardous doodie pay!"

"Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense."

"*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System *Czechs for ABS"