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Joke of the Day

"*handshake* wow, soft hands! u must've never worked a day in ur life [coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] ""u dont know me."""

"baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing"

"Why don't my dog and my cat get along? She's a Re-puppy-can and he's a Demo-cat!"

"Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour."

"Mariah Carey sounded horrible the other day. It was like a cannon went off in her throat."

"What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle."

"My wife made fun of my (admittedly) ugly balls again. I shall now drop the charade that I am a ""feminist."""

"I picked up this chick in Rome. We had sex, said goodbye the next morning and gave her a hi five She gave me hi V"

"[commercial for soup] Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it? NARRATOR: SOUP"

"What is Hellen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy."