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Joke of the Day

"I always dump a gatorade on my head before I leave the house so people think I just won sports."

"Jesus, don't take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up. *hands cup of water* DON'T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN"

"Said this at dinner last night. Bit creepy, but laughs were had. ""He may die a virgin but he ain't gonna be buried one."""

"What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world? You mean across?"

"I finally went to a therapist... ...and all that pervert did was ask me what I thought of a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach painted."

"Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming ""But dad we're goldfish"" Oh yeah, I forgot ""Forgot what?"""

"Do you know why Adele crossed the steet? To say hello from the other side :P"

"Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts."

"I'm like the weatherman and all this snow lately... ...always telling them it's going to be 12 inches but really only giving them 2."

"Bully: This town isn't big enough for the 2 of us! Me: Oh yeah? Bully: Yeah! Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this"