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Joke of the Day

"I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet."

"Life is a lot like chess You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead. And most people want to be white."

"Leaving restaurant: ""That was lovely"" Outside: ""Well, it was okay"" In car: ""I mean, it wasn't great"" Back home: ""We won't go there again"""

"What's worse than being German on D-Day? Being single on V-Day."

"I just started a new band called Prevention Everyone says we're better than The Cure"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line."

"I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho."

"What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow? Slush Puppies"

"I'd rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink..."

"The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren't me."