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Joke of the Day

"wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can't see him 9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles* me *hits him in the face with the door*"

"Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."

"What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab? ""Looks like you've got me in a pinch."""

"You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- ""Bread guy"""

"Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says ""Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common."" I've been in both."

"ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables."

"The ""Blind People Alphabet"" A, B, D, E, F..."

"I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes! It's called Twenty Pho Seven"

"Guys, throw away ALL your favorite things. Go to Pier 1, buy some throw pillows and potpourri. Ok, you're ready for marriage."

"I took my orchestra onto a train one day The conductor was rubbish"