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Joke of the Day

"An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency Lady : I have two openings for you. Guy : I know. The lady hangs up."

"No matter how much you push an envelope It will always be stationary"

"[on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* ""May I help you, sir?"" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme..."

"""Dammit. I had shit planned today."" -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper"

"What do you call it when one lesbian ""Cock Blocks"" andother lesbian? Beaver Dam"

"""DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!"" he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer."

"I was blessed with a rather large penis. That's when my local priest was arrested."

"What is the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo? A Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the cage along with a recipe."

"I dont't want to die a virgin because that means I'll have to have sex with terrorists."

"What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news? Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny"