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Joke of the Day

"""DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!"" he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer."

"I posed naked for a magazine today. Although from the reaction I got I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money."

"Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined"

"What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)"

"When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark. Now I see the electric bills, and became afraid of the light."

"I think Trump might be the guy to turn the US around... But I fear his next move will be to bend it over."

"Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities."

"Democrats must be so thirsty Cause of all the salt."

"somewhere two teens in a love triangle are saying ""she faves you, but she RTs me"" to one another"

"What happened to the hippy chemistry teacher when he spilled his chemicals? He tripped on acid"