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Joke of the Day

"My daughter demanded she be treated like a princess... so I married her off to secure an alliance with the French."

"My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it's somebody's birthday on FB that I didn't like."

"You got some jokes? What are some good jokes you know? I would prefer ones that aren't too raunchy."

"Why did you cut me down, lumberjack? Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why? Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped."

"Social butterfly? Nah. I'm more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they've seen me, but no one really believes them."

"Three elephants jump off a cliff, two land on the beach, one in the ocean... ba-dum tshh"

"Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to ""do it herself."" Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car."

"What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A milk dud!"

"[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the sauna] ""This isn't the bathroom is it"""

"If you murder a dude and feel guilty just tell his family ""sorry"" and if they can't get over it after that then who are the monsters really"