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Joke of the Day

"""Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."" *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE"

"What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken."

"Supposedly anagrams of people's names give you clues to how they're going to die... ... and [Hugh Dennis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Dennis) is an anagram of ""hung in shed""."

"How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date? [deleted]"

"A tree falls on my kitchen, who's dead? My wife, if she doesn't clean that shit up."

"Why doesn't each pokemon have an additional poke ball? Testicular cancer"

"I go in hard, I come in soft, you blow me. What am I? Gum."

"How did Moses part the Red Sea? He used a Sea-saw."

"What do Jedi sheep sound like? Dagobah."

"I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say, ""I would do anything for love."" On the back, ""But I won't do that."""