40090

Joke of the Day

"The girl I like checked me out today. I gave her money, and she gave me groceries."

"Why did a girl leave his boyfriend for a mushroom? because he wasn't a fungi!"

"Yo dawg...pass me my 9mm I didn't realize these bolts were metric"

"If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like ""get out of my Vulcan face"" and ""are you Vulcan kidding me?"""

"I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential."

"FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job ME: My dogter loves hers F: You mean dau.. ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She's a dogtor"

"Just thought I'd let you know that I'm a chronic kleptomaniac... but don't worry, I'm taking something for it."

"It's not that I don't want kids, it's just that I don't want a minivan."

"When do clocks die? When their time is up."

"(NSFW) If Hillary Clinton was 36 and had 40 years of capital hill experience, I'd put my ballot in her box"