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Joke of the Day

"It's my wife birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she's in for a rude awakening. I'm buying her a Tourettes alarm clock."

"What is the difference... Q: What is the difference between leaves and a car? A: One you brush and rake, the other you rush and brake. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computational_humor"

"I auditioned for a role in Star Wars: The Force Awakens Unfortunately, I was a white male."

"Charlie Sheen... ... He's on a drug called Zidovudine Too soon?"

"One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja."

"""Sir can I ask you why you're smoking TWO huge cops?"" Blunt, i'm *turns to camera* Doing this tweet wrong *Blunt just stares in confusion*"

"Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?"

"7y:why are you putting make up on? Me:to look nicer 7y:when does it start working?"

"What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches. The iEyeCaptain"

"It's so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity"