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Joke of the Day

"An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

"I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers but I think 2 are cops."

"People always say ""Wow, your baby looks so much like you,"" as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug."

"I don't get why kids hate me... ... I mean the sex isn't that bad."

"I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets. I never thought someone could stoop so low."

"An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket."

"My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike... My dad was holding me from behind..."

"I'm taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can't lose them there, I'll try the mall again."

"Snapchat is going public in March with a $30 billion IPO. Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps."

"A teacher, in an attempt to get more enthusiasm from her students, asked them to write a summary of a baseball game. Within minutes, the first one was handed in. It read, ""Rain. No game today."""