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Joke of the Day

"I left a godless morning fart in each of the kids' lunchboxes so they'll know I was thinking about them."

"these tweets brought to you by me waiting to hear back from my weed guy"

"This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I'm dating him."

"I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior."

"""911"" you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat ""how far apart are the contractions?"" about 2 miles but I'm driving pretty fast"

"The fun thing about wigs is when someone complements you on your hair, you can rip it off and say, ""Here. Take it. No, I insist."""

"You know you are a bad driver when............. you see more middle fingers than a manicurist."

"Why did the emoji fly to Syria? It wanted to become an Emojihad!"

"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate."

"What do you call a Mexican who loss his car? Carlos"