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Joke of the Day

"Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder."

"Live today like it's your last. But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't."

"What's the best part of an ISIS joke? The Execution. Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now."

"When a door closes... and incognito window opens."

"Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?"

"Where do you go to meet the best fish? It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do."

"Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her."

"What, like you never stole 2000 loaves of bread on a dare? Shit happens. Look, Grandma, can you bail me out or not?"

"What do you get when you sleep with someone and it goes really well? High sexpectations."

"What is a Social Justice Warrior's favorite math subject? Triggernometry"