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Joke of the Day

"I guess it goes without saying that I'm the Han Solo of Twitter, and you guys are Ewoks. Not even the Ewoks with names. Background Ewoks."

"What do you call a mexican midget? a paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay."

"I'm a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I'm going to find you and build you a bench."

"What's the worst hereditary disease? Cousins"

"A mayfly walks into a bar. The bartender asks: ""Why don't you fly?"" The mayfly responds: ""Because it's not May, you fucking idiot"""

"She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder - but probably inappropriate for the hair salon."

"My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends."

"Him: I think I'm getting sick. Me: Do you want some euthanasia? Him: I'm pretty sure it's called echinacea. Me: Tomato, tomahto."

"An emo vampire probably bites himself."

"Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!"