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Joke of the Day

"When you're single nobody likes you... when you're in a relationship everybody likes you."

"I'll straight up dive off a cutting board and cut shit on a diving board I don't give a shit anymore."

"Favorite lame DAD joke"

"Want to know something really bad and dirty about me? I'm running Windows XP."

"What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? Hop in."

"I don't know why I got fired from my job at the M&M factory. I threw out all the Ws, they should be happy!"

"My girlfriend has Parkinson's Disease. And the hand jobs are AMAZING!"

"I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore"

"Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!"

"How many /r/twoxchromosomes posters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the other 9 to provide emotional support."