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Joke of the Day

"Don't necessarily nominate me for sainthood, but I just gave a VERY ugly woman directions."

"What goes in hard and comes out soft and sticky? Gum."

"What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap? I can clearly see ur nuts."

"Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork."

"My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat. Waitress: Are you all finished? Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish."

"The school wants to test my kid for gifted but the program doesn't have ""my kid is gifted"" bumper stickers, so, like, what's the point?"

"I don't call photos of myself ""selfies"". I call photos that include anyone else ""otheries""."

"Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it."

"Brazil - Germany, the most embarrassing semi since... ... I watched Brokeback Mountain with my Dad."

"What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Stephen King? OJ's truth is stranger than King's fiction."