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Joke of the Day

"I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank."

"Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen."

"I will not kill my coworkers I will not kill my coworkers I will not.... Maybe just one..."

"Teenage sex. Haha-ha...ha...amirite guys?... : {"

"I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."

"Screenwriters, you know that script you're working on that's a mix between 2 brilliant films? Well it isn't and I'd like a grande soy latte."

"What is the opposite of pro? Con. What is the opposite of progress? Congress."

"What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish."

"What do NRA members and the UCC shooting victims have in common? Both will never get a college degree."

"I bet rocket scientists are conceited bastards. ""YOU CALL THIS A MARTINI? THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE DAMMIT! I WOULD KNOW!"""