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Joke of the Day

"I'm exhausted. I just did 100 sit ups. The fact that I did them over the course of 40 years doesn't diminish the accomplishment."

"""You a cop?"" UNDERCOVER COP: No. ""So you wouldn't mind if I ... threw these donuts away?"" UC: *sweats profusely*"

"Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me."

"[Home Depot] ""Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails"" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? ""Nah, just verbally"""

"You Tolkien to me?!"" - Hobbit de Niro."

"Beauty is in the Eye of the: A) Holder B) Holder C) Holder D) Holder"

"Cannibals like to meat people."

"What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana."

"I just signed up for Comcast!"

"He'd come off way less pretentious if he went by Daniel ""Dave"" Lewis."