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Joke of the Day

"I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school..."

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"Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? ""Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."""
"What does my ex and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts."
"""I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down"" ~Bowling pins"
"lately my house has been a bit drafty... not because its' poorly insulated, but because my wife keeps bringing home marines..."
"Today, I'm gonna dig up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten."
"What subject did the Warlock major in at University? Fel-osophy"
"If you ever get really mad. All you have to do is think about a T-Rex trying to pick up a basketball."
"""I just tried to make reservations at the library"" You don't need a res- ""Couldn't get one though"" Don't do this ""They were fully booked"""
"Why are crabs always tired? Because they sleep in snatches."