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Joke of the Day

"When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage."

"Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad? Because he's a transparent. Apologies if I could've worded it different."

"If you want to touch the sky... Fuck a duck and you will fly! (I don' know who is credited with first saying this time-honored literary pearl.)"

"Life is like a box of chocolates... Most of it sucks."

"Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend... It has everything it needs, but still beeps."

"In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can't be positive that they're not watching."

"I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality."

"Why are hippies against capitalism? Because money doesn't grow on trees."

"5/6 doctors agree... Russian roulette is completely safe!"

"I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart."