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Joke of the Day

"I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality."

"When will the hospital equipment arrive? defibrillater"

"Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break."

"Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit? Driver: I thought they were just suggestions."

"Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said ""So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."""

"Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing.. Wife: OMG [storms off] Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA [Priest faints]"

"""Give me a positive adjective..."" ""Splendid."" ""Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?"" ""Splendidn't."""

"Can you lmb? person 2: what? lace my boots 2: ok I guess I can so you can lmb? 2: yeah I can lmb wait, you want to lick my balls??? wtf"

"what do you call Coq Au Vin made with Two Buck Chuck? Chick n' Chuck!"

"When you criticize a person, walk a mile in his shoes... then you'll be a mile away and in his shoes."