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Joke of the Day

"The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before."

"""You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!"" But we're in love! ""It is forbidden!"" *whale elopes with submarine*"

"So I was eating my grandma out yesterday... When I tongued the familiar taste of horse semen, which is when I realized how my grandma died."

"The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory."

"Whats the incredible hulks favourite drink? Incredible mulk"

"The funny thing about the shit I just took is? I don't remember eating that much blood"

"AMA Request: Kim Davis. I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so: If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?"

"Some people came to my door asking for donations to the local pool. So I went and poured them a glass of water."

"I'm going to talk to my broker today about cashing in some of my stocks. And by that I mean, ""taking all my change to the coinstar machine"""

"Did you guys hear about the kidnapping? He woke up."