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Joke of the Day

"Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange."

"TIFU by reposting Just kidding. You fuckers love reposts."

"If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj"

"If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child... they could call it Slush Puppy :)"

"If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted."

"Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy."

"So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods... The boy says, ""hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared"" The guy says, ""how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"""

"I shot my first turkey today... ..It sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section"

"My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like"

"14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire' has done nothing for our career."