35100

Joke of the Day

"I'm at my most brilliant when the door says ""pull"" and I don't believe it."

"""Ok. Breathe. Retrace your steps. You went to the beach, carried that dude, stopped for Quizno's, got your hair cut..."" -God loses his keys"

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A Paragraph, because he's not a full Essay"

"Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's ""sexy"" and ""art"" But when I do it I'm ""drunk"" and need to ""get out of Home Depot"""

"I would tell a broken pencil joke.. But there's no point."

"Why do soccer players not play in the rain? It makes their makeup run."

"I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life.... so long as I die by noon, thursday."

"You didn't like it. I was going to tell you a joke about my time machine"

"In a survey of American women when asked ""Would you sleep with President Clinton?"" 86% replied ""Not again"""

"(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush) Scientist 1: This thing sucks Scientist 2: Yeah! S1: It's hogging all the hedges! S2: Wait."