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Joke of the Day

"A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar... The bartender says, ""Hello, Mr. President!"" Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom..."

"There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars."

"My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Arson ! Arson who ! Arson McCullers !"

"Me: Wow, 5k followers Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said? Me: Ya Wife: Then aren't they really MY followers? Me: *drinks heavily"

"It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect."

"I went to a strawberry picking competition the other day, a woman with no arms and legs won it. Jammy cunt."

"My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma."

"Pay attention to funeral dress codes Sombre is only a couple of letters away from Sombrero"

"What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye matey!"