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Joke of the Day

"I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures."

"What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? ""Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"""

"I hear you take milk baths. That's right. Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!"

"*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat"

"I saw an old French prostitute last night, what's her name? Toulouse."

"My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender."

"Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco"

"How do you know if you are a necrophiliac? You get mourning wood"

"I don't chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me."

"Two fish were in a tank. One says, you man the main cannon, I'll drive."