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Joke of the Day

"If you're american in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!"

"Remember when putting something on the internet was the equivalent of hiding it in a vault on a planet your parents had never even heard of?"

"It's nice to feel wanted. Even if it's by the FBI."

"I never get my idioms mixed up and you can take that to the bank and smoke it"

"So...Donald Trump was on The View today. I kept rewinding it and watching it trying to spot Elizabeth Hasselbeck's boner."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't, I kicked the piece of shit before it did."

"What did the cat cough up when it was sick? Meowcus"

"I went to kuwait, found no squirrels there.. No animal can sustain a burst of oil everytime they bury a nut."

"Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it."

"To all the people saying I have fat fingers... FYVK OFF"