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Joke of the Day

"I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours... I always said I'd retire from comedy if I hadn't ""made it"" by 30. ...So I've got like 4 hours left"

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."

"My wife's celebrity ""free pass"" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into *that* propeller blade."

"Play Mambo No. 5 at my funeral even if you have to fight my family"

"I can swallow two pieces of string and make them come out an hour later tied together I SHIT YOU KNOT"

"My Grandfather Says I should not be so Dependent upon technology... ...Yet he is the one hooked to life support."

"How do I explain to my dog tonight that thunder isn't the all powerful god of canine destruction searching for him with every boom"

"I went to an AA meeting I met a lot of batteries"

"True Fact: If you write a suicide note that rhymes, it also works as a country-western song."

"Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I'm sad? How do you always know when I need you? Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse. Me: I love you too"