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Joke of the Day

"I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours... I always said I'd retire from comedy if I hadn't ""made it"" by 30. ...So I've got like 4 hours left"

"If I won $900,000,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity... ...not sure what I'd do with the other $899,999,999.75 though."

"What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? an Investigator"

"Old Jewish Proverb: It's better to have Russians cut-off the gas than ... ... have Germans pump it."

"How do you drown a hipster? IN THE MAINSTREAM! Hahahaahhaahhaahha"

"You might have heard about the Chevy Camaro IROC, but do you know what IROC stands for? Italian retard out cruising."

"There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't."

"What kind of bees make milk? Boobees."

"My grandpa said that my generation relies too much on technology So I said ""No, your generation relies too much on technology."" And I unplugged his life support."

"What did Hitler call his favorite piece of furniture? Mein Kampfy Chair"