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Joke of the Day

"[feeding baby] Here comes the plane! *baby swallows food* wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk"

"My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like. So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone."

"turn on: when you double space your essay and it goes from 3 to 5 pages"

"Guys are all, ""Wanna go to my bachelor party?"" because asking, ""Wanna hang out in a room and get boners together?"" would be gross."

"I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today... she said that was 0K"

"Dark Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, ""It's dark in here isn't it?"" The other replied, ""I don't know; I can't see."""

"Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race? I've finally turned a corner in my career."

"what flavor of ice cream do you wish existed?? shaq sweat, nickelodeon slime, or maybe even dog the bounty hunter mullet flavored wow"

"I used to think that Sarah Palin was a closed minded conservative Christian. ... but then I found out she is also into palm reading."

"Incest... When you hit a little too close to home"